Just a thought series: Tragedy or “real horrorshow”

Go sing, too loud
Make your voice break – Sing it out
Go scream, do shout
Make an earthquake…

You wish fire would die and turn colder
You wish your love could see you grow older
We should always know that we can do anything new

Go drum, too proud
Make your hands ache – Play it out
Go march through crowds
Make your day break

You wish silence released massive tremors
You wish, I know it, surrender to summer
We should always know that we can do everything

Go do, you’ll know how to
Just let yourself, fall into landslide

Go do, you’ll know how to
Just let yourself, give into low tide

Go do!

Tie strings to clouds
Make your own lake – Let it flow
Throw seeds to sprout
Make your own break – Let them grow

Let them grow (Endless summers)
Let them grow (Endless summers)

(Go do endless summers)

You wish surprise, will never stop wonder
You wish sunrise, will never fall under

You wish surprise, will never stop wonder
You wish sunrise, will never fall under

We should always know that we can do anything

Go do!

Go do, Jónsi

It’s been a while since I posted anything here but I promise this one too is worth the read.

But wait a minute. Back when I started the blog, wasn’t I so excited to write? Wasn’t I so eager to stay up all night putting my thoughts into words and into this blog? I have a thousand excuses as to why I have been absent. Maybe not a single one of them is actually valid. But I will though, share one of those. I believe this might help a lad or two.

“Hello everyone, my name’s Marie and I AM INSECURE.”

Not the first time I admit it. I do it a lot. Except I only admit it to myself. Which is ok and it is an important part of admitting to having any – what we’ll call for now— problem. I have often read on how the more you talk to yourself, the better you understand yourself. I find that to be very true. Even more so when I pen it down.

The ego isn’t very indulging when it comes to letting us admit our flaws. So naturally, I try to mask my insecurities. I spend hours of my time seeking the entire world’s approval by partaking even in the most ridiculous nonsense actions – that I’m going to omit – just in order to get the OK stamp on me.

All of this, coming from someone who quite frankly would love to not worry if her face looks like a glowing angel (wouldn’t we all?) and just wear a bun, which by the way, no can do no more, baby doll, since I had no choice but to chop my lovely unhealthy bleached locks into a fringed bob as a result of a series of weird experiments on my hair in order to look like anything but myself.

With the start of a new job very recently– which let me tell you, looks great and promising so far and I am very excited about it-, school being on track and nothing to complain about except the elephant that seems to follow me into every room I enter: my semi-significant weight gain over the past few months (product of self-sabotage and bred by the one and only damn rooted insecurity which grows exponentially when it is pointed out by relatives, friends and what not) So things have been building up. They built up to the point to which, after a few drinks and a late night out, I ranted and poured my soul out to an old friend. His only words were “you need to laugh it off. This whole thing you’re telling me, just laugh it off.”

To say the least I was furious. Goodness, don’t I deserve to be told that everything is alright and I am perfect in every single way possible and none of the things I feel make any sense? Don’t I? Well no, I don’t. Because that wouldn’t have solved anything. Except maybe sooth the ego for a while.

I proceeded to sleep it off and woke up with a little more perspective. It was honestly like an act of magic. Catharsis finally made its way into me colliding with every single bit of chaos inside and outside of me, and this is what has been evolving in my mind since then:

My insecurities became my greatest strength. These are a few simple thoughts that led me to that conclusion:

• I decided to unravel from the threads binding me to anything but my true self in every single aspect of my life and gave myself my best chance. I faced myself, literally, in the mirror. I faced and told myself that I now have the power. And that has started by looking deep inside of me for the answers and continue the journey to get to know myself in a way that makes my life rich. It is like a new music record so to speak. I may only know a couple of songs in it, and I may not know all of the instruments that compose them or even their sequence, but if I listen closely I know I will eventually even memorize the entire repertoire.

• On another note—pun intended— I recently discovered that I really enjoy writing. Ironically enough, I cannot recall how many times I apologized, hid my work, somehow diminished it to thinking it was all garbage, and thought about how I have no talent for it. I may or may not have it, but I certainly feel a freedom I cannot describe. Heck, I even successfully wrote a column for a local newspaper recently. I have started to live my life unapologetically.

• “Absolve you to yourself and you shall have the suffrage of the world.” The truth is, nobody will “approve of you” if you do not do the same for yourself first. I found that absolving everything I do to myself first aided substantially in the matter. Of course, this isn’t a simple and quick solution, it is a lifestyle in which I have found that I no longer need to pay my duties to anyone before me. It automatically does it for me.

• My mistakes and flaws do not define me. What I do about them is what actually does. I’d been told this over and over again, but it is easier to blame a third party all the time. We may have gone through the most horrifying experiences, or may have developed the worst of habits in our childhood and adolescence, but that doesn’t mean we cannot change them. It is only up to us to redefine ourselves, and the upside of that is that it can be done as many times as we need to, since we are ever changing and evolving by the minute.

• Letting go of what no longer needed my attention and time. Our minds play so many tricks on us and make us believe we need what we don’t. It’s funny to snap out of these things. Clinging and tying myself to what was not for me only wasted my precious time.

• I’ve always had this quote locked in my head from “Dreams From my Father” by Barack Obama: “Better to be strong, but if you can’t be strong, be clever and make peace with someone who’s strong. But always better to be strong yourself.” There’s nothing wrong with a circle of trust, many a few are really lucky to have it. I know I sure do. But better to be strong myself.

I will keep on being insecure. It keeps me in check. It tells me that I need to find the way to reverse the arrows into flowers. I now know that come what may I have the power to react to it and it is only up to me if the journey continues to be a tragedy or the experience becomes a “real horrorshow.”

Till next time,

MM

*real horrorshow: Part of the ‘Nadsat’ vocabulary used by Alex in Anothony Burgess’ Novel ‘A Clockwork Orange’, Horrorshow was derived by Burgess from the russian word ‘Khorosho’ meaning well or good. Real horrorshow (very good)