It’s Friday night and I’m at “the home”. We’ll call it “the home” for now because it’s where I spend most of my week nights and weekends. No, it’s not my boyfriend’s pad. It’s a secluded place. A home away from home where chaos and peace come together all at once. A place to escape reality and also face it all at once. And I’ve always been a fan of all things paradox. And it’s where I do most of my writing. Where I get all my mojo back after a long day at work.
So as I’m laying down, the sound of Naomi and Ely’s No Kiss List coming from the telly, I’m getting a bit melancholic as per usual. The story sounds a bit too familiar. But I’m not getting into that now.
So, as I stay in tonight, I felt that Marie Momentum needed a touch of personal sentiment and a little venting wouldn’t kill nobody. The peaceful and shimmering skyline and reminiscing on a recent conversation during a morning coffee rendez-vous with an old friend earlier this week gave me the insight for this post. If you’re bored on a Friday night, jump in and read a thing or two about yours truly. This may be the last personal post I ever write.
Jordan and I went to grab a cup of coffee the other day before work. As we sipped on our tongue-burning, wake-me-up elixir at around 7am, we kept pondering on the difficulties of being stuck in the middle. Quarter-life crisis alert.
“I feel,” he said “that we’re not fully adults just yet, yet we are forced to act like so. We’re gobbling up on energy bars and coffee blends with double shots of espresso to face the day ahead.”
I laughed and replied: “Remember when we used to stand up on tables at bars and dance the night away? Getting in trouble with our parents was also a given every weekend. Or falling flat on our asses when we tried to impress someone on the dance floor after a few too many jager bombs.”
Oh, those were the days. I sure do remember. Well, some parts of it. Every now and then these times seem to repeat themselves.
Just last night, even after doctor’s orders were to stay at home and rest for 48 hours because of a stupid virus, it seemed like no matter what, not missing one of my best friend’s pre-wedding celebrations was out of the question. And so towards the end of the night, a few too many double scotch on the rocks magically pushed me and made me fall, resulting in almost twisting my ankle and a bloody knee scratch. Silly goose. Unecessary trouble. Loophole.
Loopholes
I blame the quarter life crisis every time my head starts spinning. When I rang in the new year 2015, I promised myself the same old cliché that this would be “the” year. Indeed it has been. And these past eleven months, along with the one and a million celebrations of my friend’s upcoming nuptials, this year has been a HELL of a roller coaster. One that has started to finally slow down for me to get off.
Like I mentioned above, these past two days I didn’t go into work because of a virus. To say the least I needed the time out. Something I didn’t know up until now as I write this. I’ve had so many loopholes this year I can’t even keep count of them. So I won’t go into details about them, I’ll just generally talk about them.
Because it’s worth it. Every single one of them left me with a lesson. Particularly lessons that have taught me more about myself than I have ever learned in years. About the things that need improvement and the things that need to remain the same, but always improving as I go. Loopholes. They’re portals of self-discovery. Which leads me to talk about changes.
Metathesiophobia: The fear of change.
I’ve never been the kind of person who plans. I’m can definitely say that the only thing I usually plan is how many days I need to stop gagging on carbs to lose three pounds.
But here’s where the fun part is coming. The fear of the upcoming change. This weekend marks the awaited exit of a revolving door and the beginning of a new time for me. It marks a journey that requires planning. Lots of planning and discipline.
Along with it comes sacrifice. I’ve officially let go of a couple of things that have been frowning me these past two weeks, making me feel stuck, but they have given me the strength to start again that I needed.
More than ever, I’ve committed myself to new activities and adventures, committed to school and my wonderful yet demanding teacher of a job I have, developing my writing skills and my short story, and most important of all, I’ve committed to myself. Me. I am now fully committed to giving myself the best chance I have. No more self-pitty or apologizing. And it’s going to take a lot of planning. And the metathesiophobia is killing me and has got me feeling anxious. But honestly, I cannot wait to start.
I will make sure to keep track about the new planner in me in here and walk you through my journey. It’s all sweat and tears from now on, but it’s also all self-love and improvement.
Shit. I am scared.
Till next time,
MM
(Insane graphic art by http://witchoria.com)
Marie Momentum 